How To Overcome Your Fear of Criticism (Why We Shrink Part 1)
One of my favorite poems that has served as an anchor to ground me in the reality of who I am and what my purpose is, is Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson. I could take this masterpiece line by line and probably have a book to say about each line. It is a deeply profound work of art that has the ability to really transform how we think and show up in life. I recommend reading it, often. That being said, one of the greatest aspects of this poem that has resonated with me is the concept of shrinking. She says, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” Wow! How many times have we tried to downplay our passion or our talent because we don’t want to be disliked?
You Have Magnificence and It Must Be Shared
Today’s blog will be one of a two part blog series dedicated to the concepts of shrinking and hiding the magnificence of who we are.
When we hide this glory that is inherently within us, we tend to be focused on ourselves and how we appear to others. Yet when we realize that our life, our light, and our story isn’t just for us, it is the beginning of a radical shift in our perspective of our purpose. You have a place in the world where you need to shine, we all have this place. Your unique brilliance is important because only by YOU shining your light will a certain segment of the population that only YOU can reach be freed to let their lights shine as well. This is how we serve the world as leaders. When we recognize that we are magnificent beings and that this magnificence has a bigger purpose that goes beyond us then we will recognize our mandate to come out of hiding, to get out of our own way and to let our natural brilliance come through. We need to shine unapologetically because the world NEEDS us to shine.
It Is Not Our Critics Who Counts
There are times when we hide our glory because we don’t want to be glared at or criticized by others. While this is a legitimate concern, we must recognize that criticism automatically comes with the territory when you are stepping up to play big and make an impact in the world. This is just part of the deal. Although the words of the critics maybe harsh, they are not the ones that matter, meaning it’s not about them. In her book Daring Greatly, author Brene Brown talks about why it’s not your critics who count, and she goes on to quote the famous words of Theodore Roosevelt that eloquently sums up the sentiment. “It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man (or woman!) Stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasm, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” I love this quote and refer to it often because it puts most criticism into perspective. One of the biggest things, about being in the arena is that it teaches a person is compassion. If you are out there “doing it” you know that it is hard and that it requires a lot from a person, so you develop compassion and empathy for other people who are putting themselves out there. It is easy to criticize when you are in the bleachers, but when you are in the arena you will be less critical of others who fail because you know the great courage that it takes to put yourself out there in the first place. (For more on courage see this article ) The one exception would perhaps be, if that person is coming from a place of envy or jealousy because you are viewed as competition, and if you are viewed as competition then it means there is something in you that they see as magnificent. This is more of a reason to celebrate not for shrinking back.
What Truly Matters: Your Purpose and Serving Your Tribe (“Your People”)
So, instead of focusing on the critics who do not matter, know that there are others who literally need to see your glory to liberate them to let their own magnificence shine. This is your tribe. These are the people “your people” that you are meant to impact and be a sign of what’s possible in their own lives. We tend to waste way too much time focusing on those who are not “our people” i.e. the people we are trying to impress or win their approval rather than on the tribe we are meant to serve and play a part in their transformation. This tribe, your people are the ones that you should focus on, serving them, not avoiding the remarks from your critics. There is someone out there, probably a very vulnerable soul, like a child perhaps that feels hopeless and if they had the example of someone with your background and with your history shining, it would liberate them to arise from the pit of shame, doubt and fear because you are a model of what is possible for them.
The most important thing we can do in allowing ourselves to stand in our purpose, is to shift our focus to what actually matters and what brings us closer to that purpose, and release the distractions. The things that don’t matter serve as a distraction from the bigger purpose that we are here to play out. We need to be fierce about refusing to be distracted by a smaller story.
If you want to conquer your fear of criticism, you must be more focused on why you are engaging in your mission and on who you are serving. Be more committed to this purpose of contribution, service and impact than trying to impress the critics. They are not the ones who count.
Powerful coaching questions to reflect on/journal:
What’s more important to you than not “rocking the boat” so that others will like and approve of you?
What do you think this thing has to say about your life purpose or what you value?
In order to break the cycle of people pleasing, I challenge you to think about this purpose, write it down and focus on it every time you are tempted to cover up and hide your truth. Somebody out there needs to see specifically you shine brilliantly so they too can be liberated from their own fear and shine magnificently as well.
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Ok, that's all for this week my dear treasured friends, don't forget that you are a light, so shine!